On days like today, God feels so far away... and yet I think I have no one to blame but myself for the way I feel. It's a dark, icky, yucky, anxious, empty feeling. Thank goodness not all days feel like today!
I feel so ridden with negativity that if I don't get it out somehow, it's going to eat me alive. I feel guilty & selfish for being so negative because I know that I have so much to be thankful for and yet I can't help but feel like I'm at war with myself sometimes.
Some days I get angry... I feel resentful towards LIFE because it doesn't stop for me when I need it to. LIFE doesn't give a shit about when sadness or tragedy strikes...it still requires me to get out of bed in the morning, paint on a happy face and go about my responsibilities. It doesn't allow me to stop and take however much time I might need to rest, mourn my losses and pull myself together.
I have a beautiful house, a precious daughter, a caring family, great neighbors, good friends, food on the table, a stable job and a husband that loves me. I live in California where I don't have to fear things like religious intolerance, being shot at in the midst of war or finding clean drinking water... Yet I find myself getting angry and consumed by the rat race. I get frustrated that I have to work full time to pay for the things we've chosen to invest in. I get frustrated about medical bills, insurance policies, the price of gas, the demands of an 8-5 job, not enough time for myself to make healthy meals & exercise when I need to (or the motivation to do it when I can), family drama and illnesses, the hardships of friends...you know...LIFE. The same things that all of you deal with on a day to day basis! How dare me gripe about it, right? How selfish...
I would expect that anyone living this "American Dream" must fight these feelings from time to time, right? Or am I alone in it? Am I just so spoiled and ignorant that I can't always appreciate things like I should? ...Or am I just so busy and tired that I don't have time or energy to enjoy what I have? And how much of it is my fault? What can I do to pull myself up by my boot straps & find contentment in the life that I've chose and the cards that I've been dealt? Some days I feel the sun shine on my face, I hold my daughter & I sit with my husband and feel so much joy for what I have. Everything else just all feels so petty and irrelevant. I wish all moments felt that simple.
I think the bottom line is.... I miss my dog.
I think everything that you are feeling is normal and fair. We are blessed and have so much to be thankful for, but it doesn't mean that we can't hurt or be frustrated with the ick of this world. I have found myself in this place often and have also felt guilty for feeling this way. Being a mom is a hard job with no "days off" when we really need them. Give yourself permission to be sad and frustrated, it okay! Tomorrow or a week from now will be better and then you can smile and enjoy life until the inevitable next hard thing comes your way... such is life I am learning. Know that you are not alone out there. Love you Netters. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI know you know Lindy. I can't imagine the demands of twins! Thanks for the encouragement. I miss our times together and even though we went our seperate ways for a while and are both different people now, I know we still have a special kindship. Love you slut ;). Hope to see you again some day. Hug those precious girls for me. <3
Delete