On days like today, God feels so far away... and yet I think I have no one to blame but myself for the way I feel. It's a dark, icky, yucky, anxious, empty feeling. Thank goodness not all days feel like today!
I feel so ridden with negativity that if I don't get it out somehow, it's going to eat me alive. I feel guilty & selfish for being so negative because I know that I have so much to be thankful for and yet I can't help but feel like I'm at war with myself sometimes.
Some days I get angry... I feel resentful towards LIFE because it doesn't stop for me when I need it to. LIFE doesn't give a shit about when sadness or tragedy strikes...it still requires me to get out of bed in the morning, paint on a happy face and go about my responsibilities. It doesn't allow me to stop and take however much time I might need to rest, mourn my losses and pull myself together.
I have a beautiful house, a precious daughter, a caring family, great neighbors, good friends, food on the table, a stable job and a husband that loves me. I live in California where I don't have to fear things like religious intolerance, being shot at in the midst of war or finding clean drinking water... Yet I find myself getting angry and consumed by the rat race. I get frustrated that I have to work full time to pay for the things we've chosen to invest in. I get frustrated about medical bills, insurance policies, the price of gas, the demands of an 8-5 job, not enough time for myself to make healthy meals & exercise when I need to (or the motivation to do it when I can), family drama and illnesses, the hardships of friends...you know...LIFE. The same things that all of you deal with on a day to day basis! How dare me gripe about it, right? How selfish...
I would expect that anyone living this "American Dream" must fight these feelings from time to time, right? Or am I alone in it? Am I just so spoiled and ignorant that I can't always appreciate things like I should? ...Or am I just so busy and tired that I don't have time or energy to enjoy what I have? And how much of it is my fault? What can I do to pull myself up by my boot straps & find contentment in the life that I've chose and the cards that I've been dealt? Some days I feel the sun shine on my face, I hold my daughter & I sit with my husband and feel so much joy for what I have. Everything else just all feels so petty and irrelevant. I wish all moments felt that simple.
I think the bottom line is.... I miss my dog.
